Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Spitzer Wiretap Transcript

The following is a transcript from a Federal Wiretap. Elliot Spitzer is identified as Client 9

VIP: Good morning, VIP services where Very Important People get serviced promptly. Would you like to hear our monthly specials?

Client 9: Uh, no thanks, I'd like to make a reservation.

VIP: That's great! Have you used VIP before?

Client 9: Sure have, this is Elliot Spitzer, the Governor of New York.

VIP: Oh yes, Governor Spitzer, I'm sorry I didn't recognize your voice but I should have known from the Caller-ID. How can we help you today?

Client 9: I'm going to be in DC on the 13th and need some, um...companionship.

VIP: OK, I see that you've requested Ginger most recently; would you like me to check her schedule?

Client 9: Yes, please

VIP: Oh, I'm sorry, Ginger is in Dubai that entire week.

Client 9: How about Karen?

VIP: I'm sorry, we don't have a Karen.

Client 9: Maybe I got the name wrong...petite brunette, great ass, does that thing with her tongue?

VIP: Oh you mean Kristin! She's usually booked for weeks in advance...but let me check...you're in luck, she was going to be off that week but her travel plans fell through. That's the 13th, right?

Client 9: Yeah, in DC at the Mayflower hotel. I'll book her a room in the name of Shirley Smith.

VIP: You understand that you're responsible for the airfare unless you want to provide a private plane?

Client 9: Ha, no problem, I'm the Governor of New York. Just put it on my tab.

VIP: Of course. Do you want us to draft your account again?

Client 9: Yeah, hold on a second [Client 9 is talking to someone else in the room, unintelligible]. Sorry, a governor's business is never done. Do you have that buy two get one free promotion still going on?

VIP: Yes, it's running until the 22nd.

Client 9: Could I pay for a second one now and get, like, you know, two credits?

VIP: I'm sure we could work that out for you. OK, we've got Kristin in DC on the 13th at the Mayflower Hotel under the name of Shirley Smith. Is there anything else we can do for you, today Governor?

Client 9: You do have me down as a no-C preferred, right?

VIP: That's what I have but Kristin doesn't take no-C clients.

Client 9: Well, maybe she'll change her mind for the Governor of New York.

VIP: That's up to you and Kristin, Governor. Anything else today?

Client 9: Nope, that's it. Remember to vote early and often.

VIP: Oh governor, you're such a hoot. Goodbye.


Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Make me a winner, Harris Teeter!

I really wish I had been keeping track, but since I haven't, I'm going to estimate that this is 261st week in a row that I have not won Harris Teeter's eVic Weekly Sweepstakes. No, this week someone named Tamara Brawn from Dunn NC won. I mean, does that sound like a made-up name or what?

It's like those letters to Walter Scott's "Personality Parade" which seem to be so timely (Q: say whatever happened to my favorite singer - insert name here - who recorded ANYSONG back in 1976? A: Insert-name-here just finished a new LP due out in March) that you just KNOW they were written by some publicist.

Besides, anybody with an anagram generator can quickly figure out that 'Tamara Brawn' is really an anagram for Arab War Rant: no doubt a signal to some jihadist group.

You can tempt me all you want with your great deals on EZ Peel White Shrimp or your Buy 2 Get 1 Free Tombstone Pizzas but unless I see my name on next week's eVic Sweepstakes there will be hell to pay, buddy.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Hasta la Vista Bandits

I was trying to think this morning just how long I've been using Skoal Bandits. Seems like a really long time -- like (damn!) twenty years. Can it really be that long? Well, anyway, I decided Sunday to stop using them.

My mouth felt tender and my tongue kind of swollen all day Saturday which I interpreted as the first signs of mouth cancer or something (My wife has been threatening me with this for years) so I decided to take a day off Bandits and see if there was any improvement.

I made it all day Sunday and didn't feel too bad so I thought maybe this was a good time to give them up altogether (I have quit things cold turkey before so no big deal for me). When I went to bed Sunday night I was unprepared for what nicotine withdrawal had in store for me: INSOMNIA! For a boy who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat and sleep soundly for 6 hours this was unexpected and unwelcomed.

Dragging through Monday was a challenge. I read that nicotine withdrawal takes about 72 hours and I was only on hour 24! One of the conveniences of getting your nicotine from Bandits is that you can use them about any time you want to and nobody is going to notice. None of the Bandit users I know feel the need to spit so if you don't tell people you use them nobody has to know -- nobody except maybe the woman who empties my trash can every night and I doubt she cares. Since you can reach for them about any time you need a nicotine hit you can keep your nicotine levels consistently pretty high. When you cut off your nicotine supply, your body misses it and lets you know in a variety of ways.

So now I'm 48 hours and counting without any nicotine. There had better be all kinds of untold benefits involved with giving up nicotine because if I have to go through withdrawal and get nothing in return (except for not getting mouth cancer) I might be pissed