Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Even MORE sports analogies

Dear Coach,

I saw some campaign signs for Vernon Robinson today with the slogan: "Protect our borders." Can you explain these signs to me with a clever Sports Analogy"?
Love, Becky Sue Kalashnikov

Dear Becky Sue,

Well, in order to divine the meaning (and portents) of these signs, we have to make several assumptions about Vernon. First, it's obvious to me and most sports fans that Vernon played a lot of football - maybe too much - and he must have faced a lot of third-and-goal plays. Third-and-goal plays as we all know, are every defensive player's nightmare: you either make a stand and force a 4th down, and theoretically, a crappy - but acceptable - 3-point field goal - or you fail and give up the touchdown. We have to assume that a majority of the third-and-goal plays Vernon played in, didn't go his way.

Most players eventually leave the great game of football and don't remember anything but the good times. A certain number - Vernon among them - take their football experience to heart and see third-and-goal plays in every aspect of their lives. Vernon looks across the border and sees an offensive line of Mexicans (or Canadians, we aren't sure which) getting ready to score on him and his team. The border is a metaphor for the goal line and the other team has scored waaaay to many touchdowns to suit Vernon. Now you and I might chuckle at the thought of a bunch of Mexicans playing football (or Canadians - OK, well, maybe not Canadians) unless it was fútbol (soccer to you suburbanites) but not our boy, Vernon. In his mind he's already hearing the count: "vientedós, vientedós, siete, hut, hut hut".

He knows he can't hold the line himself - maybe he could once, but not today - he needs our help. He needs us on his team.

But see, this is my problem: Vernon's team is an evil team - much like the accursed Atlanta Falcons - not a virtuous team like our beloved Carolina Panthers (may God bless John Kasay's holy kicking leg). So you, Becky Sue, have to ask yourself, do you want to be on an evil team like Vernon's and hold that imaginary goal line with him? I hope your answer is "not me, Coach!"

From now on when you see one of Vernon Robinson's "Protect our borders" yard signs know that in that deceptively nice house, behind those well-trimmed hedges and neatly-mowed lawn lurks a coven of Falcons fans. The same people who boo our saintly, Julius Peppers and disparage our blessed Jake.

Sorry, got a little carried away with the religious imagery but I do hope this Sports Analogy has cleared things up for you. Tell your mama that things have been a little slow lately but she'll get her check on time so there's no reason to call my editor again.

Much Love,

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Brad Miller wants to sell your daughter to homosexual Mexicans

and he performs horrible experiments on innocent little puppies and we have actual video tape of him selling his soul to Satan! Is this the kind of monster you want representing you in Congress?

YES! If the alternative is Vernon Robinson.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

DAH da da da da duh (HEY!)

During a recent NFL game, the announcers made mention of the fact that Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll (Part 2)" would no longer be played at any NFL games because of Glitter's conviction of molesting two 12 year- old girls in Viet Nam. This troubled me.

Not because I disagree with the verdict but because it seems highly unlikely that most people would be able to make a connection between the song and it's performer. Most sports fans would immediately recognize the tune and many could even da-da-da along with it (it's an instrumental in case you didn't know) but ask them to "Name that Tune" you'd probably get a lot of blank stares. Ask them who performed it - more, blanker stares.

So what's the deal anyway? This has the malodorous quality of censorship about it and just a touch of über political correctness too. (The sort of issue that our friend Katherine Harris might run on.) Of course, to be fair to the NFL, they were paying Glitter some serious money to use "Rock and Roll (Part 2)" during NFL broadcasts, and that money probably enabled Glitter to pursue his perverted lifestyle and travel to Viet Nam (probably not for the first time) where his perversions caught up with him.

I guess what troubles me most is the question: "WHEN is it OK to censor?" Sort of like "When is it OK to wiretap American citizens?" Granted, in this case, it's not the government doing the censoring. The NFL is a private corporation that can do pretty much what it wants - for whatever reason (within reason). But I wonder, if Glitter had been convicted of something like multiple murder would anyone have cared? Beats me. But sex crimes? A no-brainer -- just like National Security. (OK, it's a stretch)

This will probably swim into focus for me one of these days. Maybe I'm just too wary of anything that hints of oppression - justified or not. In the meantime, there are a bunch of new tunes to learn when your team scores a touchdown. Here's a list