Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Even MORE sports analogies

Dear Coach,

I saw some campaign signs for Vernon Robinson today with the slogan: "Protect our borders." Can you explain these signs to me with a clever Sports Analogy"?
Love, Becky Sue Kalashnikov

Dear Becky Sue,

Well, in order to divine the meaning (and portents) of these signs, we have to make several assumptions about Vernon. First, it's obvious to me and most sports fans that Vernon played a lot of football - maybe too much - and he must have faced a lot of third-and-goal plays. Third-and-goal plays as we all know, are every defensive player's nightmare: you either make a stand and force a 4th down, and theoretically, a crappy - but acceptable - 3-point field goal - or you fail and give up the touchdown. We have to assume that a majority of the third-and-goal plays Vernon played in, didn't go his way.

Most players eventually leave the great game of football and don't remember anything but the good times. A certain number - Vernon among them - take their football experience to heart and see third-and-goal plays in every aspect of their lives. Vernon looks across the border and sees an offensive line of Mexicans (or Canadians, we aren't sure which) getting ready to score on him and his team. The border is a metaphor for the goal line and the other team has scored waaaay to many touchdowns to suit Vernon. Now you and I might chuckle at the thought of a bunch of Mexicans playing football (or Canadians - OK, well, maybe not Canadians) unless it was fútbol (soccer to you suburbanites) but not our boy, Vernon. In his mind he's already hearing the count: "vientedós, vientedós, siete, hut, hut hut".

He knows he can't hold the line himself - maybe he could once, but not today - he needs our help. He needs us on his team.

But see, this is my problem: Vernon's team is an evil team - much like the accursed Atlanta Falcons - not a virtuous team like our beloved Carolina Panthers (may God bless John Kasay's holy kicking leg). So you, Becky Sue, have to ask yourself, do you want to be on an evil team like Vernon's and hold that imaginary goal line with him? I hope your answer is "not me, Coach!"

From now on when you see one of Vernon Robinson's "Protect our borders" yard signs know that in that deceptively nice house, behind those well-trimmed hedges and neatly-mowed lawn lurks a coven of Falcons fans. The same people who boo our saintly, Julius Peppers and disparage our blessed Jake.

Sorry, got a little carried away with the religious imagery but I do hope this Sports Analogy has cleared things up for you. Tell your mama that things have been a little slow lately but she'll get her check on time so there's no reason to call my editor again.

Much Love,


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