What they didn't report

The Pentagon has withheld a number of Khalid Sheik Mohammed's confessed crimes pending notification of historians. Among the items not included in the Pentagon report:

• He engineered the Battle of the Little Bighorn
• He planned the sinkings of the Lusitania and the Titanic
• He personally assassinated Arch Duke Ferdinand, the Romanovs and Leon Trotsky
  
• He trained Charles Manson
• It was he who actually kidnapped the Lindbergh baby (but gave credit to friend Bruno Hauptmann)
• He supplied the gunpowder to Guy Fawkes
• He blew up the Hindenburg
• He planned the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor
• He led the sack of Rome
• He poisoned Socrates
• From his prison cell he arranged for a colleague to put the "goo" in Michael Waltrip's Toyota
  
• He precipitated the Salem Witch Trials
• He invented trans-fat
• He claimed responsibility for Global Warming (not verified)
• The caused the eruption of Mt Vesuvius
• He tempted Eve
• He was the recreation director of Sodom (and later Gomorrah)
• He was responsible for "New Coke"
• He financed the movie "Gigli"
• He was second in command to Genghis Khan
• He engineered the "Great Depression"

Investigators still have many questions about some of KSH's activities - especially those that occurred before he was born -- but the fact that he has confessed to these heinous crimes should be sufficient cause for his trial to go forward. Said one investigator referring to the sinking of the Lusitania and Titanic "The fact that no major cruise ship has been sunk since his capture is pretty strong evidence that he was telling us the truth."