Why men hate department stores

Like every red-blooded American male who, as the shopping days until Christmas dwindle down to single digits, steels himself for the inevitable solo trip to the department stores to find that ALL IMPORTANT gift for the wife/girlfriend, I made my foray today at lunch.


You would think that department store managers would say to their staffs: "the shopping days until Christmas are dwindling down to the single digits and lunch time is a prime time for totally clueless men to shop. I want to see every department covered by totally helpful sales associates ready to take these poor fools by the hand and sell them everything in sight." You would think that is what they would say but unfortunately they must not because you could perform the third act from "Twelfth Night" in the middle of the sales floor and not attract the attention of a single sales associate. Why? BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL AT LUNCH.

Jewelry stores know that men fear department stores almost as much as prostate exams and thus bombard us with endless commercials during football games; extolling the ease and simplicity of buying jewelry for our wives/girlfriends (pssst, one size fits all, diamonds go with everything, she'll truly love it, easy financing, take 60% off all prices). Guys are simple creatures. We trust because trusting is way easier than having to decide on our own.

This is a simple lesson that department stores could learn. One department store does know this and if you've ever shopped in a Nordstrom you know what I mean. Sure their prices will leave you gasping for air but the experience will make it all seem worthwhile. Unfortunately, the nearest Nordstrom is in Durham. (I love ya honey but if I have to drive more than 5 miles, you're out of luck.) But wouldn't it be nice to be able to call your personal sales associate and say: "Estelle, I'll be in around noon, get together a couple tasteful selections - you have all her sizes and color preferences right? Great!" Or even better: "Hello? Oh hi Estelle, sure, whatever you think. You still have my American Express Card on file don't you? No, don't bother, I'll pick it up myself at gift wrap."

Sigh.

Don't worry guys, we'll get through this holiday like we have so many others. Cheers!