Thursday, March 03, 2011

On becoming a Cyborg

Six weeks ago I began my quest to become a cybernetic organism. My right shoulder which used to be made of bone is now some crazy metal amalgam (unfortunately, NOT titanium)--which will, for the rest of my life, alert TSA officials that I am not all that I appear to be. Currently I am undergoing the therapy necessary (I presume) to become a walking, talking killing machine.

The next phase in my transformation is a total knee replacement which will allow me to have powers similar to The Flash--again, I presume, because, try as I may, I cannot get my doctors to actually say these things out loud. I am taking their casual nodding for confirmation.

I knew that becoming a cyborg would be an expensive proposition (which the U.S. Army flatly rejected to pay for, by the way, citing some obscure clause in their budget that prohibits them from enhancing civilians) so I had to rely on our friends at BCBS to help me finance my transformation. I don't want them to get suspicious about my actual motives for having my joints replaced so I am doing this piecemeal. Luckily, I have been able to find doctors willing to go along with my plan.

If you ever plan to become a cyborg, like me, selecting the right doctors is a must. I have found that surgeons will almost always go along with anything that involves cutting into flesh and connective tissue. My own doctor was so excited about my shoulder replacement that he invited several other surgeons to join in the fun. And even though, they weren't in my budget, I was informed that I'd better pay up or I would be blacklisted. This is the cost of doing cyborg business.

I can't decide what to have replaced after the knee. I've heard that hip replacements are pretty well advanced and I can feel my left one deteriorating rapidly but my lumbar vertebrae are definitely higher on my list for an upgrade. I was kind of jealous when my friend, Adam, had his entire spine replaced last year but he took a really long time to recover and to be honest, I can't really see that he is any more formidable now than he was before. (He may even be less formidable.) I may wait for a while until they get that procedure perfected. I'm really hoping that engineered stem cells will be reality sooner rather than later. I didn't mind the surgery itself or the physical therapy but two days in a hospital room with all the noise and the 5 am bloodlettings got on my nerves.

I guess I need to start thinking about a costume. Any suggestions?


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