Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Expressly speaking

If you're anything like me you may have asked yourself, from time to time, why are some people so fucking stupid? Concepts that are as clear as glass to most of us simply elude others so completely that you have to wonder how they have managed to avoid the Darwinian odds up to now.

The concept I'm talking about today is the incredibly annoying yet theoretically faster SELF CHECK OUT. Self check out is a fiendish invention that allows you to do the work someone else should be paid to do and was invented expressly to replace the EXPRESS lane. Even though at some point after your second or third visit you would gladly watch someone torture the woman responsible for the unbearably perky HARRIS TEETER self check out voice (and wonder why there isn't an option for silent check out) you punch the buttons as fast as humanly possible so you can get her to shut the hell up and you can get out of the store without doing something (or someone) bodily harm.

Getting back to my point about this abomination being designed to replace the EXPRESS LANE, there are some people - and I regret to tell you that most are college-aged - who don't understand this. They have shopping carts FULL of stuff and still attempt to use the self check out. Needless to say, they spend nearly twice as long trying to check themselves out than they would if they had gone to a professional checker. The pros usually know by heart the price look-up of the peculiar produce item you chose on a whim and can't figure out what to call let alone find the right code to punch into the machine. In the meantime those of us who understand what an EXPRESS LANE is supposed to be about stand around with our two or three lousy items wishing that store security would quietly pull you aside and beat you to a bloody pulp. But since that never happens we are grateful that the other two working machines are not occupied by idiots. We endure the totally unnecessary "Do you have any items under your cart?" (NO YOU STUPID BITCH. 70% of us don't have carts). "Do you have any coupons? (I'M A MALE, OF COURSE I DON'T HAVE COUPONS). Please just let me pay and get the hell out, please, I'm begging you!

OK, enough ranting for one day. But for REAL fun, go watch the self check-out at Wal-Mart. Enuf said


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