Friday, February 12, 2010

Weighing in

OK, I'll admit it, I'm paranoid. It's probably a result of living through both the McCarthy and the Nixon eras. The fact that I don't watch Fox news, I think, means I've made real progress in conquering my fear of the unknown or at least the unknowable. But when UNCG announced a kick off of "Healthy UNCG" my paranoia kicked in. This can only mean one thing: they're going to weigh me and find out I'm too fat--that my BMI is in the red zone and that I need to be paying twice as much for my health insurance!

Sure, they've made the Kickoff seem like a bundle of fun with "free food" (watch what the fatties eat), "games" (make the fatties sweat) and "more" (the "more" probably being the required weigh-in). The flyer announces that "Healthy UNCG is a program to support employee well-being" which I assume is code for "we'll love you even if you're a fat, disgusting blob of steaming adipose tissue--but not forever."

There's a rumor going around (yes, I started it) that those who don't measure up at the kick off are going to begin every day with a weigh-in a la "Biggest Loser" and 30 minutes of calisthenics. Those of us with a BMI over 25 will get mandatory nutrition counseling and have our lunches examined. If within 60 days our BMI is not under 25, we'll begin required Boot Camp staffed by the most aggressive, fatty-hating personal trainers the Student Recreation Center has to offer (I'm hoping for Olga but only because I like her tattoos.) Those of us failing to make the grade will see our health insurance premiums go up to $1000 per month. If that isn't enough to make your lose your appetite, you're hopeless.

Personally I'm looked forward to dropping 50 pounds and extending my lifespan by 20 minutes. Thanks UNCG for caring. Now, if you could only stop terrorists from stealing my underwear I'd be great.


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