Monday, December 19, 2005

Simple Sports analogies for everything


Lately, I've been getting a lot of letters from readers confused by religious issues like this one from little Becky Sue in Julian who writes:

"Coach, I've been hearing a lot about the Rapture lately but frankly, I'm just not getting it. I've tried reading Revelations and praying extra hard but all I'm getting is a migraine. Could you explain this to me with a simple easy-to-understand Sports Analogy. Thanks, Becky Sue (PS: Mama says hi)"

Sure Becky Sue, the Rapture isn't hard to understand but certain writers feel like they have to complicate it up to make it sound more difficult than it really is. Lord knows Revelations is complicated enough to give anybody a migraine so we'll just leave that book out of our discussion.

Imagine the Rapture as the celestial equivalent of the NFL Draft - if the NFL consisted of only two teams: The New England Patriots, representing the forces of Good, and the Oakland Raiders representing the forces of Evil. For the past two thousand years or so we've been treated to an extended version of an NFL Draft Pre-show where commentators have picked apart the teams and discussed what they will be looking for in the Draft.

The main event finally arrives like a "thief in the night" which means that it's only available on ESPN Radio at 2AM. The Pats get the first pick and they go with the Mother Teresa types to fill in their Special Teams. Nobody notices these people are missing at first because there are so few of them to start with. The Raiders go next and of course, they're all about their offensive line so Enron execs, gun lobbyists and the entire Al Qaeda organization get sucked into the great training camp in Hell. The second round goes pretty much like the first with the Pats picking mortal equivalents of Tom Brady and Tedy Bruschi and the Raiders going with the Kerry Collinses and Randy Mosses of the world. Around the globe people start to wonder what all those "pop" "pop" "pop" sounds are.

By the third and fourth rounds ordinary people begin to notice that the Earth has a whole lot more elbow room than it did before (sort of what living in Montana is like). Entire businesses are totally shut down: credit cards don't work, American-made cars stop running, there is no Coke anywhere and Las Vegas is just gone. (However, the liquor stores are open and are doing land-office business.) This is when the ordinary sinners like third-string running backs from Grand Valley State start getting nervous about getting picked and run around looking for sports agents to represent them - which is a futile activity because the Raiders got them all in the second round.

After a few more rounds the Draft is over and those not picked are what we call "Left Behind". With limited options they can try out for Arena Football or hope that there is a spot for them in the Canadian or European Football leagues. Most will have to go into the dry cleaning business or work on the docks at UPS but it really won't matter because eventually, just like the end of THE NFL ON FOX everything will wink out of existence and a voice will say: "See Ya!"

You got it now Becky Sue? Easy peasy. So if you want to play for the Pats and NOT the Raiders you know what you need to do. We're either getting down to the two-minute warning or we're still in the first quarter, nobody knows for sure, but why takes chances?

Love ya,
Coach

2 Comments:

Blogger Car Loans Home said...

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8:14 PM  
Blogger Alvin Miller said...

My inaugural address at the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead, after I have raptured out billions!

At: http://www.angelfire.com/crazy/spaceman/

Your jaw will drop!

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End of Days,Day of the Lord,Endtime,Judgment Day

4:43 AM  

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