Thursday, October 27, 2005

Lions 1, Harriet 0

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue." Steve McCrosky

Bye Harriet. See ya (wouldn't want to be ya)

What an exciting and ultimately ego-deflating period this must have been for our heroine. For the rest of us who watched this poor woman suffer through this awfulness, we can, at last, stop feeling her pain. Wearing her bravest smile (and Eisenhower-era suits) she reminded us of one of those not-quite-so-confident Christians being led into the arena (which turned out to be an apt analogy.) We could imagine her initial panic (while trying to siddle unnoticed toward the door) feeling her benefactor's white-hot gaze turn her way: "Hey, how about Harriet? She's a woman AND a lawyer!" "Don't you worry Harriet, they're gonna love you."

Unfortunately for poor Harriet, they didn't love her. Despite her outward appearance, she wasn't mired nearly enough in the values and attitudes of the 1950s - at least we don't think she was. It was hard to tell.

So what's next for our brave albeit recalcitrant Born-Again Christian soldier? We imagine a couple weeks at Betty Ford Center ridding herself of nasty, recently-acquired Oxycontin habit. After that a smoking-cessation clinic followed by months and months of therapy; the inevitable talk-show circuit (Please be kind Oprah), the consolation prize book deal and finally, her consignment to the dustheap of history.

We're pretty sure the next nominee is going to be a certified fire-breathing, scorched-earth, born-to-be-bad conservative with skin as thick as elephant's hide just itching to turn back the clock as far as she'll go. We wonder what Robert Bork is doing these days.

If you're the praying sort we hope you include poor Harriet in your prayers tonight. She never asked for this much attention or abuse. She was just going along to get along. Only after the 100,000 watt media spotlight turned on her did she realize what she was in for. While you're at it, pray for Rachel Dratch who will return to bit-player status on SNL.


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