Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Bride Guide

Hey Ladies, I'm real sorry for being so late with this but maybe it will be useful for those of you gettin' hitched in September.

Uncle Peyote's Guide to Preparing the Perfect Wedding Announcement

If you've checked the rates our newspaper is charging to publish your wedding announcement you shouldn't waste valuable space on useless detail that the general public (i.e. me) doesn't care about. If you follow these guidelines, you'll be aces.

  1. Picture. Your picture is the most important thing in the announcement. Chances are you're hiring a professional photographer who is going to shoot you in one of three or four tried and true poses which ALL SUCK. For your announcement picture find a friend with a good camera (and reasonable skills) put on your wedding dress and knock back a couple of tequila shots and enjoy yourself. The more interesting the pose the better we'll remember you. But be ladylike, OK? Caveat: be sure to wait until the next morning to decide which picture to publish and go BIG with it. Use the most real estate possible for the picture - eliminate everything else but your name (and maybe the groom's name) if you have to. On a personal note, only you know whether you should be wearing that strapless gown. (Think hard, OK?)
  2. Body Text. This is what we want to know about you:
    1. Where you got married. There is a hierarchy of churches starting with First Pres at the top and working down to Oak Grove Church O' Carpet Samples hovering near the bottom. There is also a sub-hierarchy for the various denominations so be sure that, whatever your religion, you're getting married in one of the top three churches of that denomination (or we will look down on you). If you're not getting married in a church or synogogue it had better be someplace cool like the top of Victoria Falls or Bill Gates' backyard. Naming the minister/priest/rabbi is optional.
    2. Who are your parents? M.D.s trump PhDs by the way. If grammy and grandpa have been dead for any longer than three years (unless they're famous) don't list them.
    3. Where you went to school (and don't think we won't notice the difference between "attended" and "graduated".) List every degree you've got and if you're a doctor, make sure everybody knows it. We're split on whether you should list your high school if you're a college grad but generally it helps us to place you if your name sounds familiar.
    4. Where are you working, plan to be working, or "formerly" working if you're marrying a doctor.
    5. If you are a Deb, by all means rub our noses in it. If you are a Double Deb and your picture is not upper left-hand corner of "Celebrations", sue the bastards
    6. Tell us where you're going on your honeymoon ONLY if it's someplace we'll have to look up on the world map. If you're going to Disneyworld you have our sympathies.
    7. List as many bridesmaids and groomsmen as you please but remember this is about YOU and not your mangy cousin from south Louisiana who you hate anyway.
  3. Stuff to leave out.
    1. Anything or anybody you had to pay for with your daddy's money. These are called VENDORS. Caterers, DJs, Bands of Oz, photographers etc. are already compensated and don't need to be mentioned. Exceptions to this rule: if daddy hired U2 to play for the reception, the caterer is Bobby Flay or if Annie Leibowitz is your photographer. On those rare occasions when the vendor will take a mention in lieu of payment (unlikely) it is still gauche to mention them but acceptable.
    2. WE DON'T CARE ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR DRESS OR BOUQUET. Don't even mention that your wore a dress. We'll assume it was the same one as in the picture.
    3. If you hold your rehearsal dinner or reception at someplace ordinary, we'd leave it out. If, on the other hand you're hosting a bridesmaid luncheon at K&W Cafeteria, put it in. Out of town weddings are the most difficult because most people aren't going to know what you're talking about (but the upside is that people will presume it's classier than it really is.)
Remember hundreds of strangers are reading your wedding announcement and making snap judgments about you. If you can't impress us, at least mystify us. None of us uninvited types are going to care if skimp a little on the reception as long as you spend the big bucks for the announcement. Your wedding annoucement should run in the paper no later than two weeks after the actual wedding - preferably the DAY after. Hope you have a great wedding.

Next up: Writing the perfect Obit


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