Monday, June 13, 2005


If First Horizon Park's goal for last Saturday night was to collect Greensboro's least attractive citizenry into one space in order to sell them beer, they succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. As we stood in the queue waiting for the park to open we were treated to a parade of some of nature's greatest mistakes. I'm not talking about just the tattooed mutants who were there in their numbers but rather a general profusion of the Piedmont's genetic and sartorial oddities-lured, I'm presuming, by Willie Nelson, easily obtainable (but certainly not inexpensive) alcohol and the prospect of lighting up their cigarettes in the great outdoors.

Once inside the park, my wife and I ran our own little contest to pick the evening's worst-looking individual, most ghastly couple and the most likely result of generations of interbreeding. After selecting a number of runners-up, the winners in all three categories (they tied for worst-looking individual) sat down (where else?) right in front of us! I won't go into the specifics of their loathsomeness but let me just say, if our local movie industry ever wants to make "Dawn of the Dead II" they need not look far for extras. This lovely couple, who, I gather, were already drunk before they made it inside shared cigarettes, 24 oz. Budweisers and (shudder) open-mouthed kisses. Just as my wife, whose initial enthusiasm for seeing Bob Dylan again was cooling off rapidly, was about to suggest we give this evening up as a lost cause, the mutant couple in front of us decided they weren't close enough to Willie and headed for the infield. (Thank you, Jesus!)

Maybe we lead too sheltered a life but I swear, I wasn't aware that there were that many ugly people within commuting distance of Greensboro. I don't see them on a daily basis so I'm guessing that they live in special enclaves with their mother/sisters, father/brothers and cousins not-nearly-removed-enough and allowed out only for special occasions like this one.

As the evening wore on and the Willie fans were eventually replaced by the much younger, much more attractive Dylan fans, I had to wonder whose brilliant idea it was to combine these two acts with their wildly diverse fan bases into the same evening's entertainment. If you're one of the people who stood in line waiting to get into the show Saturday, please know that I'm not talking about you. But, you do know who I am talking about right? You saw them. You probably thought to yourself "what in the world was he/she thinking when they decided to wear that (fill in the blank.)" Or wondered how the truly grusome amoung us manage to find each other. (I'm thinking "Love Lines")

Note to Greensboro Beautiful: believe me, it aint.


Blogger D. Hoggard said...

Sorry I missed it. I had an appointment with my tatooist and just couldn't get out of it.

4:39 AM  
Blogger masm said...

Arrogant eletist. How pathetic that you feel a need to put others down based on looks and your assumptions. Grow up, instead of relying on your eyes to reinforce your preconceptions and stereotypes open your mind and interact with people.

7:00 AM  
Blogger i. gotcha said...

The guy sitting next to me was a real freak. He looked like he was wearing his son's shirt.

8:31 AM  

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